The Invisibility of Health

Funny, when I was not well health was constantly on my mind.  I wanted it and I couldn't seem to attain it. I spent a good deal of any given day feeling anxious about what my lack of health meant for my future.  However, entangled with my internal dilemma was the desire to maintain an outward appearance of health.  I believed that I was capable of looking like any other student, mother, woman and I did not believe that people were aware of the enormity of my struggles.
Health is one of those things that people make assumptions about until they determine otherwise.  Interestingly, what I learned is those assumptions have ramafications for the person who is struggling with the invisibility of their health. I decided to convery a couple of interesting examples for my readers.
My school is a four level builidng with classes taking place on the second or third floor.  After entering on the first floor you must take several flights of stairs to get to the floor you need. One day I was particularly exhausted and my joints were throbbing.  Instead of struggle up the stairs I decided to take the elevator and save myself further fatigue.  I pushed the up button when a fellow student confronted me and said "that is for people that need it you know."  I was embarassed.  I had a split second to decide whether to confide my very personal health condition to my colleague or continue my cherade (I know some of you believe that I had a third option to tell that student to mind their own business ~ that took too much energy).  I chose to pull myself up two flights of stairs rather than expose my vulnerability.
Of course it wasn't only colleagues that I was saving face with.  The general public was unaware that an ill person was lurking among them.  For instance, I was in a store when a man approached me and asked where I had purchased my bag.  In earlier blogs I have discussed the impact my illness has had on my memory, this was a situation where I was at a complete loss to recall information.  I told him that the bag had been purchased a couple of months ago and I could not remember where I had gotten it.  The man preceded to ask "who can't remember a couple of months ago?" Again, I struggled with confronting his arrogance by explaining the extent of my health problem but that would mean confessing a reality that I wasn't willing to face myself.  I think that I just acknowledged his comment with an apologetic look and continued on.
I have been on my medication for eight weeks now and am feeling one hundred percent better.  I wanted to conclude this blog with an insight into how my compromised health had made me more aware of the impacts of health on others.  The recognition that anyone in my life could be struggling or suffering with challenges to their health.  The reality is that as I sit here typing with a clear head, pain free and ablebodied I realize that health has become invisible again.