You have to be kidding me

It might not jump out right away but check out my right eye..

I am not sure where to even start this blog.  I am contemplating beginning in the middle and working my way out.  I think that is what I will try.
I find myself faced with a paradox.  As much as I would like to write this blog from an authentic place, I find myself struggling with reservations on how much I should express.  I acknowledge that I am influenced by the societal assumptions that suggest our personal struggles should remain personal.  Finally, I am unsure of how much to reveal with regard to my health struggles in fear of being stigmatized or judged in the wake of a diagnosis.  In addition to this paradox, I am constantly aware of my audience, who I may be affecting and how they may be affected.
Today I feel frustrated.  I am stifled by my ability to get caught up in my complexities and insecurities.  I  am overwhelmed by a weekend full of unfortunate circumstances and missed opportunites.  This blogs serves as a recollection of why this weekend frustrated me and yet it may be void of feelings.  I am working on that.
This weekend I received two phone calls from my local MRI department.  Unfortunately, I technically did not "receive" either phone call.  On Saturday I came home from work to find an unknown number on my call display, I did not have a voicemail message so I called the number back.  It led me to my local hospital where I asked for the diagnostic department (I am still waiting for my appointment from my referral).  I explained to the person who answered the phone that I had received a call from this number.  I was told that I had been called due to a cancellation but unfortunately the spot had been filled.  I tried to mask how deflated I felt and instead asked if I could leave my cell phone, in case the opportunity presented itself again.  The woman on the other end of the phone took both contact numbers down and told me I should have an appointment soon.  On Sunday we enjoyed Thanksgiving with our family and when we were heading home I saw that I had missed a call on my cell phone, again there was no voicemail and without call display I was not aware of who had called.  When I got home I checked my home phone and sure enough I had again missed a call from the MRI department of my local hospital.  Again, I called them back, hoping that the short time which had transpired since the missed call would be minute enough to produce an opportunity for the cancelled time slot.  I was disappointed again to find out that the spot was filled and the woman on the other end of the phone, recognizing my number, pointed out that she had indeed tried both numbers to no avail (thank you and noted).
That brings us to Monday.  A day designated to family fun and some school work.  It started off early with me jumping out of bed to get the family organized for an outing with friends.  Possibly the abrupt movements from sleep to wakefulness contributed to what would come next.  On the way to meeting our friends I begin to feel the vertigo settle into my brain.  The space between my ears began spinning with such a force that I believed I may be leaning to my right while standing upright.  It took all the energy I had to maintain a vertical position and focus forward.  I could feel the perspiration condensing between my shoulder blades.  My stomach was becoming nauseated and I spent the majority of our time out travelling back and forth to the washroom. 
Thankfully we were out with people who were aware of my health concerns.  I was so appreciative that my friend Sarah acknowledged my vertigo ande even suggested that no-one would judge me if I vomited in the bushes... realistically someone happening upon me would just think I had overindulged in festivities the night before. I like when people can see the humour in situations. Sarah was even able to locate some Gravol so that I did not have to suffer from the nauseous side effects of my vertigo.  It made it easier to excuse myself early, knowing that we had caring friends that understood.
The day continued to be frustrating.  My head felt like it was filled with helium, floating a mile above my body, not capable of too much movement or employment in thought.  Conversing, studying or reading was out of the question and I spent the majority of Monday sleeping or thinking about sleeping.

I am trying very hard to open my eye here

That brings me to today.  Totally unrelated to any MS symptoms, I woke up today with a swollen, heavy eye.  I acquired a headache throughout the day just trying to keep it open and not itch or rub it.  I did not wear makeup on my affected (not infected) eye and my friend Stephanie laughed at the Clockwork Orange esk contrast between my mascaraed eye and my naked one.  I realized with panic that along with any 'symptoms' MS may throw my way, I will also be challenged with the familiar colds, flu or general malaise that everyone suffers from.  Today that realization was just one more thing to acknowledge in a draining long weekend. 
Hope tomorrow "looks" better!